Happy Friday! Let’s Talk About Self Hate

self-hate

I like that I’ve stumbled upon the start of a series here on the blog. There’s something about the juxtaposition between a happy, positive sentiment and a topic I probably wouldn’t share with you if we ran into each other at school drop off or Trader Joe’s.

So, for today, welcome to Happy Friday! Let’s Talk About Self-Hate. It might be Happy Tuesday or Sunday in the coming weeks, depending on when the mood strikes to write about uncomfortable subjects. And the subject matter might alternate from the things I’m working on in therapy to my fears with cancer. It just all depends.

Last time, I wrote about my struggle with depression and I want to thank you for your comments and the messages I received. Honestly, I immediately regretted hitting publish on that post – for so many reasons – and a few that lead me to today’s topic of self-hate.

When I started seeing my therapist, I told her that self-loating had become a major part of the funk I had been dealing with. She asked what that sounded like but I could only explain that it was the overwhelming feeling of not liking myself. Everything from the way I look to how I keep house to my relationships.

She wanted specifics, though. She wanted to know exactly what I was telling myself so I began to keep a journal.

As I rode the elevator down from her third floor office, I felt happy. Then it started. “Who do you think you are needing therapy? With all the atrocities happening in our world, boo-hoo, you feel blue.”

I banged out my depression post that same week. As soon as the comments came in, I felt embarrassed and ashamed about what I have been dealing with. “You’re damaged, broken” that voice told me. That afternoon, my daughter wanted a play date with a friend that didn’t work out. “That mom probably read your post and she doesn’t trust having her child around you,” I thought.

When I got together with friends for dinner, I found myself sitting quietly as I thought “You offer nothing to the conversation. You’re dumb.” I stumbled over the pronunciation of something on the menu and I berated myself for the error all night.

The group dynamic is really bizarre to me. I only realized recently that I often shut down in group settings. I always thought it was because I was shy. Truth to told, I’m not especially shy. Yes, I might be an introvert but I’m social and I really enjoy hanging with others that lift me up. But, when I beat myself up over little things like the pronunciation of words or feeling like I can’t bring anything to the conversation, I turn into someone who appears to be totally disinterested. I’m not, I’m just freaking out inside.

Even sharing these thoughts even now makes me feel ridiculous. As I type, I’m thinking “You are a moron. This is so self-serving. Are you just seeking empathy with this post?” Another voice says “No. I’m looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences.” Talk about juxtaposition.

The journal has helped me remember what it is that I’m telling myself. It has totally helped me identify what’s contributing to my bubble of self-hate. I like the direction I’m moving in. My therapist has given me some tools on how to counter those voices with the hope of finally deflating my bubble.

January Netflix Binge: The Carrie Diaries

The Carrie Diaries on Netflix

  I watched and liked the original Sex and the City series and have seen both movies but flat out ignored the Netflix suggestion to watch The Carrie Diaries. However, after finding myself watching the first SATC movie on basic cable earlier this month, I decided I would give the defunct CW teen series a go. But only after I cried my eyes out during the scene where Charlotte protects Carrie from Big after he leaves her at the alter. It kills {Read More}




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Happy Monday! Let’s Talk Depression

depression

Happy Monday! Let’s talk about depression. A little back story, if you will. In 2008 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my oncologist prescribed Effexor XR to help alleviate the hot flashes I was having caused by chemotherapy. Effexor is an anti-depressant medication and often used off label to treat hot flashes. I took it for several years post treatment because I simply couldn’t wean off the drug. Effexor withdrawal causes incredibly debilitating side effects and I thought I was {Read More}




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How To Be Your Best Self in 2016

Be Your Best Self

As I type this there is a cold glass of Coca-Cola on one side of me and a sugar cookie on the other. I’m already failing two of my 2016 resolutions which were 1. stop drinking Coke and 2. cut the sugar. But, if I’m being totally honest, I haven’t given these new year resolutions much of a try even though it’s now seven days into my NEW YEAR, NEW ME outlook on life. Look at the photo below. My {Read More}




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December Netflix Binge: Making A Murderer

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For December I set out to binge watch all six seasons of The L Word and share my thoughts on the series for this month’s Netflix Stream Team post. Well, I did finish all 70 episodes and really, really loved it. In fact, I was sad when it was over and still find myself thinking about what happened to those characters. But, my review will have to wait because the internet blew up right before Christmas with everyone talking about the {Read More}




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First Impression: SkinMedica Vitalize Peel

cosmeticare vitalize peel

I recently visited CosmetiCare for a treatment that had me a little worried about the outcome: a Vitalize Peel. My skin can be incredibly sensitive and I was once advised by an esthetician that I should refrain from doing anything too aggressive to my face because of the fragile capillaries and active areas of rosacea. I met once again with Lisa McCoy who talked to me at length about what the Vitalize Peel could offer and what I should expect in {Read More}




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Officially Nuts: A Second Blog

megan and wendy blog

Megan and I have been making videos over on our YouTube channel – Long Story Short with Megan and Wendy –  for almost 18 months now. It started out as a fun side project considering we both have blogs and lives outside of the internet. But, it turned out being the one thing we liked doing the most. The past year has been crazy in terms of growth. No, we don’t have a million YouTube subscribers. We actually have less {Read More}




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November Netflix Binge: River

river on netflix

I’m not really sure what it is about this time of year and my need for dark crime dramas. Last year around this time, I tore through The Killing, Happy Valley and The Fall. Over the holiday weekend, I found myself searching Netflix for something gritty. I love getting into bed with the lights out and the iPad streaming well into the late night hours. I found River. River is a new crime drama new to Netflix. The six episode mini-series {Read More}




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Botox Before and After – Eek!

This is my experience with Botox at CosmetiCare.

Ok, I get it. Frown and laugh lines are a natural part of the aging process. However, this doesn’t mean I want to look tired and mad all the time. When I was in my early 20s, a very mature older woman told me I should start doing something about my crows feet (you know, those lines from smiling eyes). I was devastated. I was still a baby and maybe then a nightly eye cream would have been a nice addition {Read More}




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Superstitious After All

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I finally made good on a request a friend asked of me. She needed a photo of me holding a sign that read the number of years I have been a cancer survivor. She’s making a video. I paused as soon as I drew the heart on the exclamation point. Seven years. I wondered if I should actually write seven years. It won’t technically be lucky number seven until October 23rd. Rationalizing that I couldn’t write 6 years, 11 months and 7 {Read More}




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