Happy Friday! Let’s Talk About Self Hate

self-hate

I like that I’ve stumbled upon the start of a series here on the blog. There’s something about the juxtaposition between a happy, positive sentiment and a topic I probably wouldn’t share with you if we ran into each other at school drop off or Trader Joe’s.

So, for today, welcome to Happy Friday! Let’s Talk About Self-Hate. It might be Happy Tuesday or Sunday in the coming weeks, depending on when the mood strikes to write about uncomfortable subjects. And the subject matter might alternate from the things I’m working on in therapy to my fears with cancer. It just all depends.

Last time, I wrote about my struggle with depression and I want to thank you for your comments and the messages I received. Honestly, I immediately regretted hitting publish on that post – for so many reasons – and a few that lead me to today’s topic of self-hate.

When I started seeing my therapist, I told her that self-loating had become a major part of the funk I had been dealing with. She asked what that sounded like but I could only explain that it was the overwhelming feeling of not liking myself. Everything from the way I look to how I keep house to my relationships.

She wanted specifics, though. She wanted to know exactly what I was telling myself so I began to keep a journal.

As I rode the elevator down from her third floor office, I felt happy. Then it started. “Who do you think you are needing therapy? With all the atrocities happening in our world, boo-hoo, you feel blue.”

I banged out my depression post that same week. As soon as the comments came in, I felt embarrassed and ashamed about what I have been dealing with. “You’re damaged, broken” that voice told me. That afternoon, my daughter wanted a play date with a friend that didn’t work out. “That mom probably read your post and she doesn’t trust having her child around you,” I thought.

When I got together with friends for dinner, I found myself sitting quietly as I thought “You offer nothing to the conversation. You’re dumb.” I stumbled over the pronunciation of something on the menu and I berated myself for the error all night.

The group dynamic is really bizarre to me. I only realized recently that I often shut down in group settings. I always thought it was because I was shy. Truth to told, I’m not especially shy. Yes, I might be an introvert but I’m social and I really enjoy hanging with others that lift me up. But, when I beat myself up over little things like the pronunciation of words or feeling like I can’t bring anything to the conversation, I turn into someone who appears to be totally disinterested. I’m not, I’m just freaking out inside.

Even sharing these thoughts even now makes me feel ridiculous. As I type, I’m thinking “You are a moron. This is so self-serving. Are you just seeking empathy with this post?” Another voice says “No. I’m looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences.” Talk about juxtaposition.

The journal has helped me remember what it is that I’m telling myself. It has totally helped me identify what’s contributing to my bubble of self-hate. I like the direction I’m moving in. My therapist has given me some tools on how to counter those voices with the hope of finally deflating my bubble.

Comments

  1. I think a lot of people feel the same way inside ( I know I do!), they just don’t admit to it. We all need to work on ourselves in some way. You are a wonderful person with a huge heart, so keep working on yourself and you’ll realize that soon too.

  2. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. But, I have a feeling more people have the same issues and do not discuss it. I have the same feelings you do, but I just don’t express them to anyone. I replay conversations in my head over and over thinking what I should have said. Know that you are a good person! It is hard to think good thoughts about yourself – I know. But, from one friend to another – you are truly good inside and out. 🙂

  3. Thank you for sharing your story Wendy. You are incredibly brave and you ARE a gift:) A bright light.

  4. Everyone at the table is thinking the same things about the silly way they dropped their napkin on the floor or how they had sauce dripping down their chin a ton of times. Most of the time, people are so wrapped up in their worlds that they don’t notice what is going on in ours. I know it is easier said than done. Hopefully the therapist can give you some good exercises to do to help you get through this. I think you know that no one is really thinking those things. Now you gotta get it so you are not thinking those things either 😉 Good luck!!!

  5. What a great post. What you are feeling is normal, and many more people feel that way, a lot of them just hide it or worse yet take it out on other people. You are very brave to talk about your insecurities.

  6. THANK YOU for sharing this. You are not alone. I often feel like this in groups.

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